Last Updated on December 29, 2022
We are social animals. Relationships matter. Friends, family, colleagues, lovers. In fact, the quality of our relationships determines our health and happiness. A few slightly structured thoughts on it all.
In modern English, we have the word love. But in Ancient Greek philosophy, the words available are much more granular.
The term eros is used to refer to that part of love constituting a passionate, intense desire for something.
In contrast to the desiring and passionate yearning of eros, philia entails a fondness and appreciation of the other. For the Greeks, the term philia incorporated not just friendship, but also loyalties to family and polis-one’s political community, job, or discipline.
Agape refers to the paternal love of God for man and of man for God but is extended to include a brotherly love for all humanity.Philosophy of Love
Friends are precious. Some of the best times and the biggest laughs of my life have been borne out of the depth of friendship. I think the most hilarious jokes come from great friendship. The kind of jokes that draw together so many different threads!
Friends also are key to working through thoughts, and developing of ideas. This is one of my favorite quotes on the power of the sounding board:
Whosoever hath his mind fraught with many thoughts, his wits and understanding do clarify and break up, in the communicating and discoursing with another; he tosseth his thoughts more easily; he marshalleth them more orderly, he seeth how they look when they are turned into words: finally, he waxeth wiser than himself; and that more by an hour’s discourse, than by a day’s meditation.Sir Francis Bacon
You can find all of Bacon’s essays including Of Friendship here.
I’ve got a smattering of special friends in Melbourne from high school and university. As I’ve got older, I’ve found out that new adult friends can come from surprising places. I’ve made new ones in different cities around the world, sometimes from a chance meeting in a cafe, crossing paths in a yoga studio or gym, sometimes a neighbor, often a friend of a friend. Some of my most enduring friendships have come of workplaces. Mostly the more challenging workplaces.
My partner always says to me, it’s misery or loneliness. Implying that we chose the misery that comes with partnering over the loneliness of being by ourselves. I find that hilarious and true.
A good partnership is not so much one between two healthy people (there aren’t many of these on the planet), it’s one between two demented people who have had the skill or luck to find a non-threatening conscious accommodation between their relative insanities.Alain De Boton
Gottman & Perel
Gottman’s Magic Ratio
Modern marriage, what a big topic. I don’t know where to even begin.
For now, a few resources I like:
- TSOL wrote a great book on modern marriage, How To Get Married
- This excellent post articulates the advantages of marriage – having two people sharing the same utility function, and the permanence of marriage forcing investment in the future.
What about a longevity registry?
In my 20s and 30s I’ve attended quite a lot of weddings. I got to thinking about wedding gifts, and how it might make more sense to gift something that supports the relationship’s longevity – rather than just the next year or two. Instead of the honeymoon fund, maybe a 10 year anniversary-moon fund? A “longevity registry”.
I’m curious to find someone else who has thought about this, or has thoughts about this after reading this.
Romance & domesticity
I always notice how quickly modern day couples tend to get domesticated. Living together quickly, merging so much, even doing simple things like grocery shopping together etc. Merging so fast as a “household” – being very domesticated.
Does the downhill rush towards domesticity in relationships kill the romance?
Most definitions of romance include something about a feeling of excitement and mystery related to love.
So to have romance don’t you need mystery?
Is domesticity the opposite of mystery?
And if so, does domesticity kill romance?
As a situation between two people develops from first date into a relationship, it’s common for increasing amounts of day to day domestic moments to show up. (Add kids in the mix and it’s increasingly hard if not impossible not to drown in domestic burden.)
I wonder – if you can stave off getting totally domesticated, can that increase the romance?
How? Behave like you’re on a first date more often. Maybe it’s date planning. Maybe it’s plan and cook a meal that’s not from a shared grocery list. Maybe dress nicely, less sweatpants. Maybe keep the door closed to the bathroom.
It’s actually easy to work out what to do – just whatever courting behavior looks like. If you wouldn’t do it during the first few months of dating – don’t do it in long term partnering. I think there is something to this.
Anyway just a few half formed thoughts on it all…